Perfectly Clueless in Chaos

Even as I just wrote the title above I realized that there just might be a message in my gut wrenching agony. One of my oldest and dearest friends died recently from cancer. I have never had anyone I was so close to die before and my reaction has been so irrational but I guess that's rational.

I had said out loud, before she died, that if she did not beat this thing my views on life would be forever changed. She beat a lot of odds and achieved so much in her short 21 years. It seemed that everything was working out in perfect order (the fact that she worked for the Ministry of Health, who stepped in to help). I was sure that if there was any order in this world she would bounce back from this thing. All the shit this world told us was important was not the things you cherished...your academic success, your career achievements, your financial success. Friendship and family....I know those were your favorite things to talk about :)

On the first of August 2011 I lost one of the most important people in my life. I see now why you would strive always for the pinnacle of spirituality and happiness (and there was no one happier or more light hearted). This is why you always smothered us with I love yous, your spirit knew that yours was going to be a short human experience.

"... so-called chaos may have an actual divine function, even if you personally can't recognize it right now." - (E. Gilbert).

I never thought I could solve the puzzle, but just as I thought I at least had all the pieces... Maybe we are not meant to get comfortable, maybe the lesson is to remain comfortable through him in the chaos of this world. I'm sure of nothing (forever my favorite paradox)

I Love You now and Always... From you i learned to be a good person.

Dear God....You so Sly

I find myself in recent times using my free time (which since my great depression has been all the time), to get to know this amazing chic I'm convinced is a permanent resident in my head. The other day while in deep conversation she revealed, or rather, magnified a fact I learn't many moons ago. The human eye's blind spot, where the optic nerves exit the eye, has always been such a literal, textbook concept for me.

Then I really thought about it, in the type of way that only a Theology class taught by a round jolly priest could allow me to. There is, AT ALL TIMES, a part of our reality that we cannot perceive. Here lies another crumb of the unleavened bread. I have this theory that God reveals the solutions to life's sums through the highly complex equation we call our body. There are so many beauteous lessons to be drawn from this. The one I'm going to go with right now --be wary of the man that knows everything.

Funny Thing About the Dark

The lights are off and I'm hot and frustrated, twisting and turning, hands searching every inch of the space I occupied....SHIT....I lost my hair pin...As I give up all hope of finding this at large hair pin I tie my hair and come to a state of rest.... I can't help but laugh at life's sadistic way of sending us really pertinent messages in some extremely mundane situations. In your darkest hour, you can lose some really vital things, pride, hope, respect, hairpins, EVERYTHING.

A Man in Love

A man in love is something I have never seen up close. This is not to say I myself haven't gone without emoting such feelings. By extension of course I have experienced the paralyzing anguish that follows going down that lonely road...... A man IN love is something I have never seen up close, but I have heard of such things and it sounds like the beautiful things of fairy tales.

The Plan

Plan A: Finish Sixth Form and all the emotional turmoil that came along with those formative final years of high school (I brush up on those every now and again).

Plan A: Go to a reputable university to study whatever they choose to call teaching me how to produce, film and edit properly.

Plan A: Graduate with honors (parents musT cry)

Plan A: Find a great job that simple cannot do without me and eventually live out dreams of film making

Plan A: Entrepreneurship (every brain fart idea I've ever had)

Plan A: Travel the world as if on a shoe string budget but not really

Plan A: Settle down and accumulate my very own immediate family complete with loving husband, a child/two children (this pesky plan is always being misplaced) and a dog, pending the cross breading which sprouts a dog that cleans up after itself.

The lesson I believe most of us learn pretty quickly in life is that, well.......shit never goes right. My mother use to always tell me "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him what your plans are", God must think I'm a regular Martin Lawrence.